Shattering the God's Within
Chapter 12
"Forgiveness -- The Healing Grace"

"It is my conviction that forgiveness, beyond being a psychological   
decision, is a psycho-spiritual process.  In giving up the hurt in our   
 heart, we open ourselves to a transcendent God who loves and cares for   
us."

"It is important to note that forgiveness and reconciliation are two   
different techniques.  They are certainly connected, but they cannot be   
used simultaneously.  We  have to work through our own personal feelings   
of hurt and resentment to reach forgiveness.  Then, if we so choose, we   
will be able to consider reconciliation."

"In my own experience in the field of psychiatry, forgiveness is a little   
understood issue.  By definition, forgiveness means "to grant a pardon or   
freedom from a penalty; to cease to blame or feel resentment for a wrong   
that has  been done."  For forgiveness to take place, there has to be a   
hurt.  Just as you cannot have a pardon without a crime, forgiveness   
cannot exist without a wound having been caused."

FORGIVENESS AND THE PSEUDO GODS
Forgiveness is not an elective.  In fact, ***it is the process and   
meaning of life,*** precisely because life is wounded.  No matter who we   
are, we each have a hurt trail.  That trail involves injuries that we   
have brought upon ourselves by our own decisions or our own mistakes.  It   
also includes hurts produced by others in their callousness or cruelty.   
 Still other hurts are simply the result of unfortunate circumstances or   
natural occurrences."

"Whatever the causes of our injuries, if we do not work through them, the   
hurt begins to harden our hearts.  The hardness contaminates us.  We are   
less able to feel and touch and make connection with others.  In other   
words, the resentment and hurt in our heart produces alienation within   
ourselves and also alienation from those around us.  Lack of forgiveness   
destroys relationships,  increasing the isolation and fragmentation in   
our world."

"Forgiveness releases hurt feelings and, if necessary, brings them from   
the unconscious to consciousness.  Once they are conscious, we are able   
to disconnect the hurtful experience from the hurt feelings.  In other   
words, a hurt feeling is connected to a particular experience and is   
invested with psychological energy.  Forgiveness disconnects the hurt   
feeling from the experience, then expresses the hurt and lets it go.   
 Forgiveness is not forgetting.  Even though we may remember the   
experience, the memory no longer upsets us, because it has been   
disconnected from the hurt feeling."

"Forgiveness is essential to the healing of the heart.  It is a necessary   
part of the shattering of our pseudo gods.  As we have learned, we create   
our idols and addictions to anesthetize the pain that lies within us.   
 Only through the process of forgiveness can our pain be truly   
alleviated.  Through real healing, our narcissistic cravings are   
diminished.  Once forgiveness begins to heal our hearts, we are able to   
turn our worship away from our narcissistic selves and to bow before the   
true God."

"Forgiveness certainly does not involve condoning destructive behavior.   
 Nor does it mean that we immediately regain trust for the person who has   
wounded us.  It doesn't mean pretending that all is well by using denial   
and repression of anger.  Forgiveness is simply the process of replacing   
negative,  hurt feelings with genuine feelings of love and acceptance.   
 And it is not possible to forgive if we do not choose to face our hurt   
feelings."

"We cannot experience forgiveness if we continue to support the deceit of   
the false self, which denies the wound.  By forgiving we break through   
the false self's artificial facade and allow a newly healed, newly   
vulnerable real self to emerge.  In removing our defensiveness,   
forgiveness allows us to develop a sense of compassion toward ourselves   
as well as toward our fellow human beings.  As well, it makes room in our   
hearts for the loving presence of God."

WHY DON'T WE WANT TO FORGIVE
"Since forgiveness is such a powerful healing process, one would think   
our natural inclination is to want to forgive, but that is not always the   
case.  There are a number of reasons that we choose to hold onto our   
resentment and hurt feelings.  Let's take a look at a few of them."

Having Power and Control
Holding onto resentment gives us a feeling that we are in control of our   
hurt and, therefore, gives us a false sense of power.

Blaming Others
"We hold onto resentment because we are choosing to blame other people   
for our circumstances.  Projected blame may somehow ease the pain, but it   
cannot heal the h heart.  Forgiveness requires the release of blame and   
the acceptance of personal responsibility."

Playing the Martyr Role
"Resentment makes us feel like martyrs.  We develop a powerful   
masochistic defense through which we punish ourselves.  It is as if, by   
continuing to suffer our inner pain, we do chronic penance, making   
ourselves suffer endlessly for the wrongs we have done."

Motivating Ourselves
"Resentment in the heart can be used as a powerful motivating force.   
 Like the coach who used anger to fire up his wrestlers, we use   
resentment and anger to help us perform.  That may work, but it cannot   
enhance our living or help us to develop relationships.  In spite of our   
successful performance, we will find ourselves lonely and isolated."

Avoiding Relationship
"Unforgiveness is clearly a defense against further hurt to avoid   
communication and relationships.  By  holding onto resentment, we are   
able to become self-protective, and we don't have to spend time relating   
to others."

Providing Protection
"Many of us are afraid and feel vulnerable because when we expected love,   
we received hurt.  By holding onto our resentment, we don't have to be   
vulnerable."

Being Right
"We may believe that we are right about an issue, and by holding onto our   
resentment we don't have to consider the other possibilities.  It is a   
way of remaining self-assured, even though it requires us to be very   
selfish."

Causing Guilt
"By holding onto our resentment we think we can make others around us   
feel guilty about what they have done.  We retain a level of control over   
them when we keep the hurt record continually playing."

Choosing Victimization
"Holding onto resentment allows us to stay in the victim role, which   
gives us identity, sympathy, and an excuse for not taking   
responsibility."

Fearing Reconciliation
"One lady said, "If I forgive my husband, I'm afraid I may have to go   
back to him."  We forget that forgiveness and reconciliation are two   
processes.  Although they are connected, they are still different."

AN ANCIENT MODEL FOR FORGIVENESS
Dr. Allen goes into the prodigal son parable here.  Instead of relating   
the whole story, I will just touch on some of his point about the story.

"The father totally ignored the sons expression of unworthiness and   
statement about being a servant."  "He totally accepted the son, took him   
in his arms and embraced him.  He instructed a worker to bring a ring to   
put on the boy's finger.  That symbolized a commitment.  He sent for new   
shoes to be put on his feet, indicating that the boy would now walk a new   
pathway.  And he sent for clothes, representing a new outlook on life."

The father in this story shows forgiveness and rejoices in the   
reconciliation that takes place.

JOURNEY TO A FARAWAY LAND
"Many of us are walking in places we never dreamed we would walk.  Not   
long ago, after a lecture, a mother came up to me, threw her arms around   
me, and wept.   She explained that she had just found out her   
fifteen-year-old daughter was HIV positive."  "She was still in shock.   
 With tears in her eyes, she said, "I never thought I'd have t go through   
this.  I never thought I'd have to journey into this kind of situation."

"As we look around, we see the AIDS crisis, the burgeoning crime rates,   
the fragmentation of our inner cities, the disintegration of our   
families, and insecurity of our jobs.  We find ourselves in a strange   
place, on foreign turf, in a different country.  Like the prodigal son,   
we find ourselves unsure of how we should behave."

"In that distant country, the young son gave in to powerful pseudo gods.   
 Those idols are tempting when we feel insecure.  The pseudo god of   
materialism, the pseudo god of pleasure, of feeling good or looking good   
all seduced him.  He decided to have a great time in a total pursuit of   
pleasure."

"Then the money ran out, and he was stranded.  The prodigal's pseudo gods   
were shattered.  As is always the case when we have been seduced and   
exploited, he found himself in an abandoned situation.  There was famine   
in the land, and he felt empty, isolated, and lost.  We see a pathetic   
portrait of emptiness and void both within and without, as he sat   
watching the swine, lusting after the wretched swill they were   
devouring."

Becoming Aware
"The parable says the young man came to his senses.  He recognized that   
he was busted.  He had hit rock bottom.  That is always the first step in   
healing and forgiveness----there must be a recognition of the hurt in our   
hearts.  And there must be an awareness of the wrong or the hurt that has   
been done."

"As I said earlier, we cannot have a pardon without a crime, and unless   
there is a consciousness of the hurt, there can be no forgiveness.  Our   
Lord put it this way,  "It is not those who are well who need a   
physician, but those who are sick." (Luke 5:31)."  It is at the point   
that we become aware of our hurt, aware of our need, that the healing   
process can begin."

"Often in psychotherapy, we rush to give solutions or to set goals for   
treatment without letting patients face their hurt trail.  There will be   
no healing unless one is willing to go to the cause of the hurt, to face   
the inner hurt self, and to remove the mask of the false, defensive   
self."

Facing Feelings
"The young man was at his wit's end, feeding the swine in a hopeless   
situation.  At that point, he got in touch with his hurt feelings.  He   
was angry with the decision he had made to leave home.  He was ashamed of   
how far he had fallen.  He felt guilty.  He was afraid."

"As he confronted the feelings in his heart, the prodigal met a key   
requirement for forgiveness.  Unless we are able to face our hurts, it is   
difficult for the forgiveness process to work.  As our hurt feelings are   
disconnected and released from the experiences that caused them, we begin   
to feel new, positive emotions."

"As the young man became aware of his hurt feelings, he remembered what   
it was like at home.  He remembered his father as a kind man.  He   
remembered that his father had many workmen, and hope began to dawn that   
maybe his father would take him back as a laborer."

"It is amazing what happens when our hurt feelings are released.  When   
the h heart is filled with resentment, there is little room for love and   
positive memories.  But once we work through the hurt feelings and   
release them, we begin to experience love and meaning and hope."

Changing the Attitude
"At the point of facing his feelings, evoking the memory of his father,   
and admitting he was wrong, the young man decided, by an act of his will,   
to get up and go home.  In the process of forgiveness, the will is   
extremely important."

"Sometimes we want to develop the will to get up and do something, but we   
do not have the will to sit down and face our hearts.  The young man did   
his heart work first, sitting and watching the swine and working through   
the painful emotions in his heart.  Only then was he ready to get up and   
go to his father."

"When the broken son found his way back to his father, he found that his   
father was waiting for him.  What a tremendous picture of God's love for   
us.  As we open ourselves to His love, seeking forgiveness and   
reconciliation, He comes to meet us."

Choosing Humility
"The young man bowed before his father and admitted his wrong doing.  He   
admitted that he was no longer worthy to be a son but told his dad that   
he was willing to be a workman.  It was a profound expression of   
humility.  Humility is the willingness to accept our hurt and to realize   
that we are willing to take the lower place, the lesser position.  Once   
our hearts have been humbled and we have faced the truth, position no   
longer matters."

Finding Acceptance
"Acceptance is an important part of any interpersonal  relationship.   
 Acceptance in this case had four variables.

"First, the father received him gladly.  There was a general welcome and   
acceptance of the lost son's return."
"Second, the father put a ring on the son's finger, indicating that he   
was committing himself to their relationship.  Acceptance and commitment   
go together.  When we receive God's acceptance, His love is committed to   
us."
"Third, the father put shoes on his son's feet.  Acceptance means that we   
walk in a different way.  Because we are accepted, we don't have to walk   
in our old, destructive ways."
"Finally, the father provided new clothes.  In God's love, our filthy,   
tattered garments of guilt, shame, self-rejection are replaced by His   
righteousness.  A new look always gives a new outlook."

"We come to God with our fear, self-hatred, and masochistic defenses and   
find that, in spite of everything, we are really accepted.  We are   
welcomed and assured that He is committed to us.  His acceptance provides   
us with courage to walk in new places.  We find ourselves dressed in new   
garments, having a transformed perspective.  All of that comes as a   
result of our Father's healing acceptance."

Enjoying Celebration
"Now the whole estate is caught up in a joyous celebration.  The son that   
was lost is now found.  Forgiveness is always related to celebration.   
 But many of us, because of the anger in our hearts, cannot truly   
celebrate.  The true test of forgiveness is the freedom to rejoice in a   
recreated life."

Refusing to Celebrate
"In the story of the prodigal, the older son refused to celebrate.  We   
can certainly see his point.  He had done everything right.  He had not   
demanded his share of the estate.  He had not squandered his money.  He   
was not addicted to drugs.  He had never committed adultery.  He wasn't   
divorced.  He had stayed in relationship with his father and done all the   
right things."

"Hearing of the celebration, he became very angry when he realized that   
his brother was the guest of honor.  His father met him and tried to   
reason with him, but he was so angry that he refused to attend the party.   
 He could not celebrate."

"Using what psychologists call the object relations theory, those two   
men, the prodigal son and his older brother, represent different sides of   
our heart.  The prodigal side of our heart is that part that knows we   
have blown it.  There is no doubt about it.  That affair, that failure,   
that bad habit that we have not overcome, that drug addiction, that   
failed job, that self-sabotage--the prodigal side of our hearts   
recognizes that we have failed and are in need of forgiveness and   
reconciliation with God's love."

"The older son's side of our heart represents that part of our life where   
we have done everything right.  We didn't mess around, we didn't blow it,   
we didn't self-sabotage, we didn't have an affair, we did everything   
right--it is the part of us that everyone sees every Sunday morning in   
church.  We pride ourselves in the older son part of our heart.  But the   
truth is we cannot celebrate because we can't forgive the other side of   
ourselves.  We are hard on ourselves.  We demean ourselves.  We would   
rather destroy ourselves than celebrate that the prodigal side of our   
heart can be healed or forgiven."
"Even though we have done everything right, we are wrong."

"As we face these two sides of our heart, we need to cry out like David,   
"Unite my heart to fear Thy name (Psalm 86:11).  Forgiveness requires us   
to face the older son's side of our heart.  All sides of our heart, all   
sides of our life need to be confronted with the reality of our hurt.   
 Only then can we work toward forgiveness, reconciliation, and the   
celebration of God's love."

Father Forgive
"Only as we can go into our hearts and work through our hurt feelings can   
we open ourselves afresh to the love of God.  It is the forgiving   
principle that allows us to encounter the ongoing struggles of life,   
while reaching out in hope and meaning to others.  ******It has been said   
that hope is not looking for the success of our endeavors but recognizing   
that what we are doing is right, whether we succeed or not.*****

"Hope and forgiveness go together because they both imply that in the end   
love is stronger than fear.  Courage is greater than despair.  The   
kingdom of truth will outlast the kingdom of deception.  Forgiveness is   
the pathway to healing the inner wounds that drive us to our false gods.   
 Forgiveness is the pathway to love.  Forgiveness is the only pathway   
that leads to reconciliation with God and to worship of God."

NOTE:  This chapter is (to me) the best and most profound.  Having gone   
through a few layers of my own hurt past (and present), I have found   
forgiveness the most important element in my healing.  I am a long way   
from where I want to be, but as I see the dynamics of forgiveness work in   
my life, I know the journey I am on, however unsettling, however   
uncomfortable it is, it  is well worth it for the peace and true agape   
love that fills the holes in my heart left from digging out roots of   
fear, roots of bitterness, and roots of self-hatred.  I might add here,   
that some of what I have seen was indeed "unconscious" until I started   
digging!!