Shattering the Gods Within Chapter 10 "Broken Idols - Coping with Defeat" "Reflected in the preceding pages is the pattern of pseudo-god worship and the inevitable collapse of our false gods. Even though we live in the world at large, we all have an inner world. Our inner world is where we hide our pain, where we raise up our idols, and where we ultimately bow in worship to God" "Meanwhile in the outer world, we live our daily lives amidst relationships, family, job, health concerns, and many other factors. Our world may become broken, and we may try to handle pain in our inner world through codependency, addiction, and compulsions. Problems in the outer world lead us to erect false gods, and the same kinds of problems occur when the gods are shattered." There is little doubt that most of us have been wounded by life. The question is, how do we bring about healing? A story from the Old Testament may provide insight into one man's healthy coping mechanisms when his world blew apart. The man was King David. Scriptures describes him as a great king, warrior, leader, musician, poet, and a man after God's own heart. He was also human, and he made many mistakes from which he suffered severe consequences." In 2 Samuel 14:25 we read of David's son Absalom: "Now in all Israel was no one as handsome as Absalom, so highly praised; from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head there was not defect in him. "During that season of his life King David may have worshipped Absalom codependently. Scriptures indicate that he usually gave the young man anything he wanted. "We see David's desire to please Absalom and to trust him implicitly, always hoping that Absalom would love him in return and do the right thing. But Absalom, the pride and joy of his father, had plans of his own. He was cool and calculating, proud and ruthless." As we know Absalom set up a conspiracy to win the throne and destroy his father. We can read the account in 2 Sam 15:4. He was very conniving, a real politician, promising quick solutions if the people would follow him. Scripture says he "stole the hearts of the men of Israel". "When Absalom felt that he had the support he needed, he went to his father, David, and said, "Dad, I want to go and make a spiritual retreat to the Lord, to give Him thanks for the way He has delivered me." "It is amazing how gullible parents can be! David was no different from the rest of us, always hoping for the best, David was overjoyed when Absalom asked to be excused so he could pay a vow to the Lord. He must have thought How wonderful! My son Absalom wants to do a spiritual retreat. That's fantastic. He's showing an interest in spiritual things at last." "Then just as David's hopes for Absalom were greatest, he learned the tragic news. Absalom had declared a coup, and the hearts of the men of Israel were with him. Suddenly David's kingdom was turned upside down--his favorite son had kicked him off the throne. David was wounded and defeated. He had been rejected by his own flesh and blood, the special boy he loved so dearly." That kind of pain is paralyzing. It involves a total sense of helplessness. David must have felt all this and more. Examining this story, I would like to pinpoint ten principles which may help us to cope when we are faced with defeat. 1. FACE REALITY -- RECOGNIZE THE PROBLEM "When news of Absalom's coup reached David, he was hurt and astonished. But when his followers told him that the people's heart had gone over to Absalom, David faced reality. He recognized two massive problems: he was no longer king, and his *son* had overthrown him." "David knew what Absalom was like, he didn't say "Gee, my little boy wouldn't hurt me." He told his people "Let's get together and leave at once. Even though he's my son, he's a vicious kid and if he decides to be king, he will destroy us if we stay here. "The first principle in dealing with any issue is to admit the problem. In my experience, the primary hindrance to dealing with hurt in our lives is the refusal to admit that the pain is there. Facing problems is especially hard because of the powerful ego defense mechanisms we use to cover our vulnerabilities." "We use many methods to avoid facing difficulties, but the most common is denial. Instead of admitting, "Hey, I have a real problem," we stick our heads in the sand and ignore the situation, hoping that it will go away." 2. PUT THE PROBLEM IN PERSPECTIVE "Hearing the news of Absalom's victory, David called his followers together and said, "Arise and let us flee, for otherwise none of us shall escape from Absalom. Go in haste, lest he overtake us quickly and bring down calamity on us and strike the city with the edge of the sword" (15:14)" "David loved his son, but he had no doubt about his personality. Breaking through all his defenses, he left the palace without a second thought. He realized that if he did not get away fast, Absalom would kill him." "When facing a serious problem, we have to gain the proper perspective. Drastic problems require drastic actions. That may mean geographical separation. For example, in severe drug addiction, the addict must be separated from his associates, the stress of the job, and most of all, the availability of drug for a period of detoxification. "Similarly in severely dysfunctional families, a person may have to be removed from the family in order for healing to occur. It is not unusual for codependent persons to nurse their dependency needs by staying home with family when they should go out into the world. Abusers have to be removed from their victims before serious injury takes place. When the problem is severe, half-hearted remedies will not work." "In reference to marriage, the Bible says a person should leave his mother and father and become attached (cleave) to his spouse (Gen 2:24). In other words, it is hard to have a cleaving without a leaving. That is true not only in marriage, but in the process of individuation. Unless we can say good-bye to the pains, conflicts, and regressive patterns in our family of origin, we may never say hello to our adult self, the person we wish to become." 3. SEEK COMMUNITY "Pain is hard to bear but when shared with others healing begins. Often, it is not the pain itself which destroys us but a lack of love and support during our suffering." King David was hurt by his son, but he still had his community. He and his comrades-in-arms marched out together into the wilderness. His loyal men stuck with him. They cried with him. They risked their lives for him. "Friendship is the strength of life. Jesus had a small group of friends; although He interacted with thousands of people, He was intimate with twelve special friends. How much do we suffer because we ignore or avoid the love and support of caring people?" "David was able to inspire allegiance. He inspired loyalty because he was loyal to his friends. So when David needed community, it was there for him. My experience has been that when we are willing to come out of hiding and seek relationships, we find them. --------***The decision to open ourselves unleashes the healing force within our heart. It unlocks the interpersonal bridge, allowing us to accept our rejected and accepted parts of our self. It unites our heart and creates a community within, which then spreads to those around us.-----***" How does one find community? Start where you are: *Get to know your spouse and children better. Make an effort to meet regularly to talk, and learn to listen to each other. *Cultivate relationships at work; invite someone to lunch. *Renew old friendships *Join a community-oriented church *Seek information on support groups *Attend self-development seminars *Study your heritage by constructing a family tree, and seek information from your relatives. *Do a social inventory of your life *Write an essay or note on all relationships you have had since childhood--school, social groups, work and civic groups. Then discuss it with someone close to you. 4. RECOGNIZE GOD King David was broken, but that did not destroy his faith in God. When our world is shattered and we face destruction, we need the help of Someone beyond ourselves. That has been the witness of many persons who have traveled the road back from despair. "In the Hebrew tradition, David believed firmly in the God of his fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He also knew this God from his personal experience. He was able to say, "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. . . .And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever (Ps 23:1,6)" "Zodak the priest wanted to go with David and bring the ark also. But David told him, he said " If I find favor in the sight of the Lord, then He will bring me back again, and show me both it and His habitation. But if He should say thus "I have no delight in you, behold, here I am, let Him do to me as seems good to Him." Here we see how advanced David's faith was. It was no mere sentimental or circumstantial superstition which he exercised at his convenience. It was a deep commitment to the providence and will of God. David threw himself unreservedly into the care of his Shepherd." 5. EXPRESS DEEP FEELINGS "And David went up the ascent of the Mount of Olives, and wept as he went, and his head was covered and he walked barefoot. Then all the people who were with him each covered his head and went up weeping as they went" (2Sam 15:30). Absalom's betrayal was an emotional tragedy to David. He was hurt to the core. One would expect a great soldier king to have a stiff upper lip; to control his emotions and hide his painful feelings. Not so with David. He was hurt, and he expressed it. Feeling helpless and dejected, he wept bitterly. Not only was David crying and dressed in mourning, but his community, his followers, shared his grief. "Often we men refuse to deal with our pain. Some of us can express anger, so we reduce every feeling to anger. But we find it particularly difficult to express helplessness and hurt feelings. Repressed or pent up feelings constrict our personality, preventing us from free expression. That leads to rigidity and the tendency to manipulate relationships through control, blaming and isolation. "There are no cheap solutions such as saying: "It will work out" "Don't worry be happy" "I'll pray for you" "Read your Bible" "Well, just hang in there " "A gentlemen told me that when his wife died many of his friends and fellow church members quoted Scripture verses to him. He felt no comfort at all. But when he arrived home, his Haitian gardener came to him crying and saying how sorry he was to hear about her death. The man said he was far more comforted by the genuine empathy of one kind-hearted gardener than by all his church friends put together. -----When our world is broken, we must allow ourselves to feel.------ 6. REASSES OUR LIFESTYLE Facing the pain and hurt, David reassessed his lifestyle. Although he had done nothing wrong to Absalom, he had a repentant attitude. He reviewed his lifestyle, felt sorry for his mistakes, and yielded himself to God. David opened his life and recognized that he had to make some changes. The deposed king admitted his brokenness, accepting his failure and asking God to have mercy on him. "Repentance is turning from our own narcissism and egocentricity and submitting to God's love. That means opening our hearts in humility to allow the light of His compassion to shine into our lives. In so doing, we willingly admit our mistakes and failures. "When our world is broken, sometimes we become so angry that we turn in upon ourselves and isolate from our community. This results in a self-righteous, blaming attitude which is nonproductive. The tragedy is that one is unable to learn from the experience, setting the stage for it to happen again." "Life is an adventure in learning. Tragedies, as painful as they are, are the optimum time for learning about ourselves. Suffering forces us to face ourselves, both our strengths and weaknesses. The development of a repentant, learning attitude can change what may appear to be a terrible crisis into a profound transformation." 7. SEEK SPECIALIZED HELP When we are defeated community is important. But at times we need to seek specialized assistance. That may mean consulting a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, or trained therapist, or a pastor trained in the realities of human wounds and God's healing grace. Obviously this is a serious decision and requires time, patience, and honesty." "No specialist or therapist is good enough to work with every type of person. You will have to spend time finding the person who works best with you. It must be someone with whom you feel comfortable; someone who accepts you as a person. 8. DEVELOP A FORBEARING SPIRIT One of the saddest dynamics about painful experiences is that in the midst of suffering we find persons who are judgmental and blaming. They seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Through a word, a glance, and a shrug of the shoulder, they add to our pain, leaving us even more hurt and discouraged. And so, as David was going up the mountain he encountered the Shimei syndrome. Shimei, a member of former king Saul's family was an old enemy of David's. Throwing stones at the king, Shimei cursed him saying "Get out, get out, you man of bloodshed, and worthless fellow!" "When David was at his lowest, Shimei cruelly jeered him, saying his suffering was the Lord's payment for all the bad things he had done in his life. The Shimeis of this world still exist. Talk to people who are divorced or who have kids on drugs. They will tell you how some individuals, sometimes their own so-called friends, reject, criticize and gossip about them." "Don't be a Shimei. Life is wounded, and all of us will suffer at some time or another. "Abishai, one of David's generals, was shocked at Shimei's insults and said, "Why should this dead dog curse my lord and King? Let me go over now and cut off his head" (v. 9) It was a natural response. But again we see the greatness of David who responded, "Behold my son who came out from me seeks my life; how much more now this Benjamite? Let him alone and let him curse, for the Lord has told him. Perhaps the Lord will look on my affliction and return good to me instead of his cursing this day." "In other words, David said, "Look, Abishai, hold it. You don't understand me. I've been through a lot. I was chased like an animal by King Saul, and now my own son has kicked me off the throne, Shimei is right. I'm messed up. But maybe it I don't return his curse with evil, God, my judge, will restore my kingdom." "That is a mature spiritual perspective. It is a statement of worship, a commitment of faith. You can imagine the thought in Abishai's mind. "I don't understand my master. He lets a little wimpy man push him around and mock him. He takes this religious thing too seriously." "But David's response was exactly right. He demonstrated a serious faith in the overriding power of God. David did not need to defend himself, nor did he allow the criticism of an enemy to cause him to react in anger. In fact, David's response indicated that he was already being healed because of his faith and the development of a forbearing spirit." 9. TAKE NECESSARY ACTION When David's spy Hushai infiltrated the palace, he met Absalom, who was immediately suspicious. "I thought you were with my father," he said." "Hushai tactfully allayed Absalom's fears and was present UST as Ahithophel was giving Absalom advice. Ahithophel advised, "Look, the old man is weary and exhausted. I know he is hurt and upset. Let me lead a group of men right now and attack him tonight while he is vulnerable." "Absalom liked that advice, but David had prayed. And sure enough, Absalom called Hushai and asked his opinion. Hushai appealed to Absaloms vanity, counseling him to wait until morning and then lead the attack *himself*. Being narcissistic, Absalom chose to follow Hushai's plan. The Scripture says, "The Lord had ordained to thwart the good counsel of Ahithophel, in order that the Lord might bring calamity on Absalom (17:14). "Because his job was a pseudo-god, Ahithophel was h hurt by the rejection of his advice. He went home, put his things in order, and strangled himself. ---Idolatry is always destructive to self and to others.---" "David meanwhile, having been warned by messengers from Hushai, recognized that it was time to move into action. He was an experienced warrior. He had done his grieving, he had reassessed h is lifestyle, he had prayed and sought specialized help. Now it was time to fight. He divided his men into three groups. He listened to the voice of his people, who believed it would be better for him to stay back from the battle. Unlike Absalom, he was not motivated by false pride or vainglory. "After facing the problem, doing the grieving work, and evaluating our life, we have to move into action and get on with life. That means moving creatively into our work, taking responsibility seriously, and opening ourselves to the possibility of reconciling our relationships. Sadly, despite David's deep desire to make peace with his son, no reconciliation was possible. 10. BE COMPASSIONATE "Although David was a great leader and a man of action, his one charge to his generals was, "Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom." "We see here the conflict by many of us. On one hand David wished to satisfy his career, to be a good warrior king, and to win back his kingdom. On the other hand, he wanted to protect his son. David's plea for Absalom indicated that he was seeking a proper balance between his vocation and career. That is not easy. Many of us have allowed the dictates of our career to choke our vocation." "David grieved deeply for his son. Hearing about his death, he cried, "O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you!" That was puzzling t those who wanted to give David his rightful place on the throne. But those of us who have struggled to bring up our children know exactly how David felt. Many parents would gladly give anything for their children to live meaningful lives." "David had compassion. He cared deeply for the welfare of Absalom, even though the willful young prince had caused him much pain. That is not always the way people respond. After we have worked through our brokenness or our codependency, we may become self righteous and seek vengeance on those who hurt us. True healing means being able to forgive those who have wronged us. Self-actualization always causes us to be compassionate toward others. The true test of God's healing is being able to say to that one who hurt you, that parent, husband, wife, or child, "I still love you" FINDING HOPE BECAUSE WE ARE LOVED We face up to incredible obstacles -- a wounded inner self, our broken pseudo gods, even defeat in our own families--because we are loved. We can stand on the shore and know help will come. There is a Captain in the ship of life. And because He loves us, there is hope beyond despair, light beyond darkness, love beyond fear. We can say with David "The Lord is my shepherd."