Continuing on to Chapter 4 of Shattering the God's Within.

"Conformity - The God of Fitting In"

"Darrell was five years old when his father told him not to run over to   
the neighbor's yard.  Unable to resist the temptation when he heard his   
friends having fun next door, Darrell playfully sneaked over the fence   
and joined them.  When Dad found out, he was angry.

He punished Darrell by locking him in the house while he and Darrell's   
mother went to the grocery store.  Darrell was terrified.  His heart   
pounded.  He thought his parents would never return, so he screamed and   
screamed.  He felt alone and scared, and he didn't know what to do.  It   
was a terrible experience for Darrell, who believed in his child's heart   
that he had been completely abandoned.  He felt unloved, convinced that   
his parents did not care about him.

Darrell is now a forty-five year old doctor.  To this day, that   
experience stands out in what I call his "hurt trail."  As he recounted   
the story to me, tears came to his eyes.  "How could my father, who is   
supposed to love me, do that to me?  How could he be so cruel?"

"The incident terrified him so much that from that day on, Darrell did   
everything in his power to be perfect so his dad would love him.  That   
dynamic has spread into his adult life.  He describes himself as a total   
people pleaser.  Deep inside, Darrell fears that if he does not please   
others, he will be abandoned.  Conformity is crucial to him.  He says, "I   
don't want to be the odd one out."

King Saul is a good example of a people-pleaser.  When God told Samuel to   
confront Saul about his disobedience (when he didn't completely destroy   
the Amalekites) King Saul said "I was afraid of the people".  He feared   
the people more than he feared God.

"Conformity is a powerful pseudo god in modern culture, and the cause is   
our lack of acceptance or appreciation of our own identity.  This creates   
a frantic effort to please and follow others to establish meaning,   
dignity, value, and identity.  As a result, we become outercontrolled   
rather than inner-directed."

"By definition conformity is being in compliance with the surrounding   
group or society.  It means being formed, made, or shaped by the   
surrounding culture.  In essence, the focus of one's identity is   
permitted to exist outside of the individual.  As a result, the person is   
at the mercy of the whims and fancy of others.

Conformity's Psychological Origin

"As noted in the last chapter, identity formation in the child is   
initiated by the "internalization" of the primary caring object, most   
likely the mother.  That occurs successfully only if the family is   
stable, consistent, and predictable.  Without this environment, the child   
has poor internalization of the parents and as a result, the child is   
left with an inner void. Also the child does not form a distinctive   
identity.  The inability to hold or maintain the soothing inner caretaker   
interferes with the development of proper memories of caring figures.   
 Therefore, the child tends to develop recognition memory as opposed to   
evocative memory.  Recognition memory means, essentially, "I don't feel   
loved unless I am actually in the presence of a loved one."

"Such people are highly prone to loneliness.  They are unable to receive   
nurture and sustenance from past memories of good times and meaningful   
relationships.  Unable to drink from their own cisterns or be fed from   
their own souls, they are driven to seek meaning, hope, and nurture by   
attachment to others, places, and things that provide on-the-spot   
recognition memory."

The child moves through development in eight successive stages:

Trust versus mistrust ----   0 - 1 years
Autonomy versus shame and doubt ----- age 1 - 2 years
Initiative versus guilt ------ age 3 - 5 years
Industry versus inferiority ---- age 5 - 11 years
Identity versus role diffusion -- age 11 - 21 years
Intimacy versus isolation --- age 21 - 40 years
Generativity versus stagnation ------ age 40 - 60 years
Integrity versus despair ---- age 60+ years

"As a child conquers the conflicts and issues of each stage, he or she   
moves on to the next one.  Thus, the teenager who has successfully dealt   
with the first four steps enters a stage of identity versus role   
diffusion.  Teenage years, with their many conflicts relating to   
sexuality, self-image, and dependency, place every young person under   
tremendous strain.  Only in the understanding environment of caring   
parents, peers or significant others does a teenager develop a sense of   
identity as opposed to role diffusion, or confusion".

"The term codependency is currently in vogue, but my guess is that like   
all fads it will come and go.  Essentially codependency refers to   
individuals who are wounded in life due to painful family dynamics.  The   
hurt, usually occurring in childhood, interrupts the development of a   
meaningful identity, and the individuals become dependent on other   
persons to meet their needs.  The result is a poor development of self   
and the creation of distorted and painful relationships."

"Codependents develop strong attachments to people, situations, and   
things.  It may result in addictions to relationships, drugs, sex, work,   
food, and so on. When the attachment is broken the person goes to pieces.   
 For this reason, codependent issues must be handled cautiously and   
skillfully.  Codependency implies that a person's sense of self and   
happiness always exists in some other person, circumstance, or   
situation."

When we are unable to enjoy evocative memory, healing is difficult.  It   
is hard to recover from loss, receive forgiveness, and learn from   
experience.  For the person with no evocative memory, solitude equals   
loneliness--a devastating experience.

The pseudo god of conformity is powerful.  It is associated with wanting   
to please, to be perfect, and to have total control.  Again, the issue is   
vulnerability and inadequacy.  Facing the fact that we are unable to   
stand on our own, we find ourselves willing to give up anything in order   
to please, to be a part of the group.  There is nothing wrong in trying   
to please or to cooperate with one's group.  But when fitting in becomes   
an end in itself so that the individual has no sense of identity,   
self-destruction occurs.

As with narcissism, the dynamic of conformity occurs early in our   
development.  We were a "we" (fusion with mother) initially, before we   
became and "I" (differentiation), and we have to become and "I" (sense of   
identity) before we can become a "we" (in relationship to others).  Life   
develops as a separation process.  But because life is wounded, many   
things happen to block our developmental program.

In a so-called normal person, there is a balance between affiliation, or   
the desire to connect, and the differentiation, the desire to separate.   
 In other words, a  healthy person should have a balance in his or her   
ability to say "yes, I want to be involved," but also the freedom to say   
no without feeling guilty.   There ought to be parity between our sense   
of community and our sense of aloneness.  Many times the delicate balance   
between affiliation and differentiation is upset.  That imbalance affects   
our boundaries and our relationships with others.  Without strong   
boundaries, it is difficult to achieve differentiation.  In other words,   
there is a breakdown between that which is us and that which is not us.   
 As a result, we want to please, we want to be liked, we want to fuse   
with people and problems around us.  In so doing we develop a kind of   
martyr complex.  The idea is that by pleasing or trying to be perfect we   
will be loved or admired.  That is how we become codependent.

When conformity becomes a pseudo god, individuals lose their authority   
cards, along with their sense of being "somebody."  By contrast, when we   
give altruistically, we do so from the center of our identity, which is   
intact.  In other words, we are not giving to get an identity or to   
impress or to be loved or to get something back.  We are simply sharing   
out of the identity of our own personhood.

Co-dependents have weak boundaries.  Contra-dependents, the opposite of   
co-dependents, have rigid boundaries.  Contra-dependents tend to attract   
co-dependents.  These two opposites make very interesting couples.  At   
least for awhile.  Contra-dependents feel empty and need someone to bring   
them hope; the codependent has weak boundaries and wants to love or to   
please.  Between these two wounded individuals, natural coalescence   
occurs.

The pseudo god of conformity may be manifested in  persons who give   
totally of themselves in order to please, in the hope that they will   
receive love.  Or it may be manifest in the contra-dependent who feels   
utterly empty inside, and therefore chooses to control others.  The two   
may become fused and interdependent with each other.  These are purely   
psychological dynamics.  However, pseudo god formation occurs when these   
particular issues become an end in themselves, robbing individuals of   
their inherent dignity and rights.  When the resultant codependency or   
contra-dependency becomes the driving force in life, it becomes a false   
god.

The pseudo god of conformity springs from our longing to fit in and the   
belief that once we fit in, we will have a place of belonging, we will be   
loved, we will be trusted, and we will elude our own inadequacy.

Besides operating in one-on-one relationships, we also see the pseudo god   
of conformity working in families   In fact, the family can become a   
pseudo god in itself when we isolate ourselves from the rest of society   
in order to preserve family unity and closeness.  By shutting out the   
rest of the world, we elevate family to pseudo god status, only to find   
that things never work out quite as well as we' d hoped.  Crises leave   
the idolized family reeling, because until that point the family unit has   
been operating under the illusion of invulnerability.  When our kids   
become an obsession (i.e. their performance at school, etc) we become   
fused to them.  As a result when they do poorly, we become anxious or   
upset, but when they do well we feel better.  There can be a powerful   
connection between the progress or the performance of the child and the   
emotional state of the parent.

The idolatry of conformity may be found in traditional religions and   
churches, as well as in cults.  In cults the leaders have the ability to   
control people.  Their followers find meaning and community by fusing   
with their charismatic leaders.  Conforming to and pleasing their leaders   
become their reason for living.  Where charismatic individuals are   
intimately involved with hurt people, cultic formation becomes very   
strong.  I define cultic formation as "a closely knit group where it is   
much easier to enter than to leave."  I always suggest to people in any   
group that it is important to know that they can leave at any time.

Their is a powerful pseudo god at work in our desire to be in the "right"   
church.  There is nothing wrong with wanting our church to have   
particular characteristics.  But when the search for worship is actually   
controlled by the specifics we seek, it becomes an end in itself, and   
true worship of God goes out the window.  By the way, this problem is not   
likely to be overt---in fact, it happens quite subtly.

It could be described this way:  an individual develops a projected image   
of what a Christian or fellowship is supposed to be like.  He or she sees   
himself through that image, and that image is projected to be "pleasing   
to God"  It is entirely possible then to have faith in God but to   
conceptualize one's projected image of what God is, and then to worship   
that falsely conceived god!

We also see near-cultic formation in certain legalistic churches where   
people bind the consciences of one another.  In order to gain power, they   
get involved with others, seeking to control each other's consciences   
through legalism and behavioral regulation.  They dictate how members are   
supposed to live, they spy on each other's lives, and they even pass   
judgments on each other.,  Such dynamics are extremely constrictive and   
lead to a prostitution of faith rather than the creation of a vital and   
 healthy faith.

True, healthy faith always gives individuals the freedom to make their   
own decisions.,  It allows for growth in grace and for failure as well as   
success.  Vital faith operates in an atmosphere of unconditional love,   
nurturing, loyalty, and encouragement.
____________________________

Questions

1.  Can you identify with the descriptions of codependency or   
contra-dependency?  I believe we all have a little of each in us.  I know   
I tend to be codependent.

2.  When thinking about your relationship with a church group, is it   
healthy?  Do you have the freedom to grow and change without being   
judged?  Do you feel safe sharing with those in your fellowship group   
your faults and areas in your life you feel you fall short?  (I am   
finding it essential to have "safe" people in my life in order to work   
through and really overcome certain attitudes, feelings, etc., in my   
life).

3.  How about kids.  Are you giving them an environment to develop a   
strong self identity?

There is a lot here to meditate on.  I know in my own life, even though I   
would deny needing to conform, it has been an issue.  For those of us   
called by God, we are to conform to His standards. Fortunately we have a   
God who gives us the unconditional love we so desperately need.  Jesus'   
focus was to please God, His Father.  As a result, He did not have to   
conform to the whims and fancies of those around Him.  An antedote to the   
pseudo god of conformity is the **worship** of God.

"I will Sing Oh Most High"
Praises to thy Name with my **whole** heart"

YSIC,

Lee
adairl@wangfed.com